Real life is really hard.
I was taking all my vitamins and meds one morning a few weeks ago when I realized I was going to finish my antidepressant the same week I was due to be on my period, and Steven was going to be out of town for two days.
I didn’t plan this as well as I thought I did.
I’ve been on and off antidepressants for most of my life and I’ve been working for about seven months to come off the one I started for postpartum depression after my youngest was born. Stepping back a little at a time and giving myself a month or two of adjustment in between each step. Taking it slow and easy, no need to hurry. Working with my doctor and my therapist through each step. Checking all the boxes, and doing everything right.
Buuuuuut, then there was travel, the holidays, busyness, the business, and distractions. I didn’t pay attention to how many days I had left in this final step, so it was too late to do anything about the convergence of potential sources of negative input to my emotions.
Oh, and I’d been eating junk and not exercising because, holidays. Both of those are really important to my mental health.
I was really not set up for success.
The worst part was the anger. I was so angry about the stupidest stuff. Then I was angry with myself for being angry. I was painfully aware that none of my anger was rooted in fact, but that didn’t stop me from feeling it. I was quickly exhausted by constantly policing my mind, evaluating every thought and response, and filtering all my words so I wouldn’t explode on anyone. Despite my best efforts I did snap at the kids and immediately hated myself. Then I had to try and deal with the shame and guilt on top of the anger.
Then the kids got the flu.
Then I got the flu.
This morning I woke up actually able to breath through my nose, having slept some, and with a little bit of energy.
But then my mind turned to writing a blog post, working on my book, doing the laundry, cooking dinner, and everything that didn’t get done during the chaos of the first dozen days of 2020 and I was ready to be sick some more.
I don’t really have any mind-blowing revelations to bring out of all this. No cute hashtag or tweetable, paradigm shifting quote. No warm fuzzies. Sometimes real life is like that.
I’m just glad God was with me the whole time.
Even when I didn’t notice him.
Even on the days when I didn’t read my Bible.
Even when I was angry for no reason.
Even when I felt like I was losing my mind.
Even though I wanted to quit.
Even when I didn’t want to know the truth.
Even while my mental, physical, spiritual, all-of-the-above health was sub-par.
He’s still there, and he’s still good.
“…Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.Isaiah 43:1-3 NIV
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…”